Rodney Dangerfield no Respect
A little tribute to a fun and great guy.
The comedian Rodney Dangerfield!
No Respect!
Rodney Dangerfield Jokes
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 am
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Stacey Derbinshire
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:34 am
Thanks Stacey! I try to keep it fun. It is a lot of work, but it’s worth it.
It is a bit hard to get the motivation to write up the posts. I wish I was more motivated so I can post more stories. I have many great and fun stories to tell and will let them out of the closet as soon as I’ll have the desire..:)
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 am
YOUR BLOG IS VERY INTERESTING, FUNNY STUFF… Keep up the interesting stories, Colorado Baby says Rock On buddy
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:21 am
Thanks Baby! Tying to be provocative like our friend Rodney!
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:51 am
I knew Rodney Dangerfield. I have a funny yet sad story about him. He certainly did not get the respect he wanted. During the late 90’s for some reason Dangerfield lost most of his fortune,,, (I think it had something to do with his comedy club that was poorly managed and went under) that is why he started doing bad movies like Ladybug. At any rate I think he was marginally homeless but still had a pass to all the expensive health clubs in Los Angeles. I worked at one club in Century City where “The Menendez Brothers” and Billy Dee William worked out together. You could always see the guy who played Mr. Roper in Three’s Company in the hot tub. My friend “SBAS”, came to me and informed me that he had just come out of the steam room with Rodney Dangerfield and that he saw something bizzare. I was not impressed. It was no news that Rodney used the club and I was not surprised that Dangerfield would be acting peculiar either..
“You don’t understand”, SBAS said.
“No” I said “I don’t”
SBAS insisted I go into the steam room to check up on Rodney.
I walked into the steam room and Rodney looked real pissed off. He was completely naked and was spitting on the steam room floor. Then I noticed something quite frightening. Between his legs were two of the largest testicles I have ever seen in my life. They were as big as grapefruit.
He had huge balls. Literally. I kid you not.
I guess he didn’t get any respect.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:25 am
Noah, I made this post to show respect to a great man whom inspired my generation.
You come here talking about his balls! Fuck Off!
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Noah Simon Davis Rodney Dangerfield No Respect!
Even in Death Rodney Dangerfield gets no Respect!
Noah, you got Rodney wrong! He did not marginalize women but criticized their desire for materialism! His lovers only cared about his money, not the man. But not all.
In his later years he was very disillusioned with women and life as the whole because he was always ostracized by the Elite!
Read about him on Wikipedia!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Dangerfield
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I knew the man… don’t tell me what he was. I experienced him off stage.
he wasn’t criticizing nothing. he was pretty much a pissed off drunk…
not sure I blame him either.
he frightened every woman that came near him.
A real pervert.
…RESPECT TO THE PERVERT… but don’t start making the dude out to be Gloria Steinem now
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Noah WTF are you talking about? Are you jealous of all the Pussy he had?
When is the last time you got some Ass? Or is it illegal to have Sex in United States now days?
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 pm
he didn’t have much pussy Igor. We used to watch him hit on the girls in the club. he was pathetic and the women never gave him nothing. Everyone knew he was broke. It was a running joke. After hanging out in the steam room for several hours naked and farting a storm he would buy booze at the AM-PM used in the beginning of the movie “Die Hard” and pass out in Ralph’s supermarket on Olympic near Rancho Park. The very same Ralph’s used in the beginning of the movie, “The Big Leboski”. The whole neighborhood was a film set. Rodney was never off camera. Michael Jackson’s apartment was in the Century City complex and Ronald Reagan’s office was on the top floor of the “Die Hard” building. Me and some buddies wanted to hang out on the helicopter pad and got picked up by secret service agents when we were 16. Most people don’t realize that movie mostly took place in Reagan’s office in the Fox tower. My friends would constantly harass poor Rodney. They were cruel pricks. I didn’t realize it till a year later what jerks they were. In LA everything is a movie and a star… conversations with women were about what celebrities they fucked. No one wanted to have sex with Rodney. I’m dead serious. I had a girl that screwed Joe Pesci and Oliver Stone (she worked at Carolco for Mario Kassar) and even she wouldn’t fuck poor Dangerfield. Seriously the dude was a mess.
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 pm
The workers at Ralph’s would always mess with Rodney Dangerfield and announce over the supermarket PA that Rodney was drunk in isle 4 again.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Sounds like a sad story! No Pussy and no Respect!
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Well I hope he is getting Laid in Haven or Hell depending where he is now!
What year was it when he was in the gutter?
June 25th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Noah I disagree with your analysis and criticism of Rodney Dangerfield. You and probably many others misunderstand the man.
He loved and respected women but at the same time criticized them which what true artist do.
You have a potential to be a great artist, but you tend to feed your ghosts and hatred.
A true artist creates and explores, and lets his or her work speak for itself.
You use your art to attack people who you disagree with, but you will not create art that criticizes someone who you may agree with.
That is what an Elitist is! A true artist is not an Elitist.
I hope you can become a true artist, because you do have talent.
Create Art and let the art speak for itself.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:37 am
1) there is no definition of art
2) there is a whole history of great elite art
3) guilt is the single biggest inhibitor of creativity
4) I knew Rodney Dangerfield. Did you? I knew him… saw him every day. he wasn’t a horrible fellow. He was funny and not nasty to others… but he knew he was repulsive looking and he took a great pleasure in hitting on every bimbo in Century City.
5) he was funny because there was a certain tragedy in his life, but don’t tell me he had a hidden knowledge… because I knew him. he was miserable.
…As was Ed McMahon who I once peed in a urinal with in the West Side Pavilion and the dude thought I was gay and looking at his penis. He got real pissed off… I just was amused that I was peeing next to Ed McMahon. thasall!
June 25th, 2008 at 12:41 am
This was 1991. Rodney Dangerfield was piss poor and my parents were too. that was a shitty economy.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:33 am
After careful consideration I decided to approve you Elitist comments!
If I was to not approve them I would be an Elitist and a Hypocrite just like you, but I am not!
So speak!