Igor The Troll

Gold Nuggets

After finishing with my smuggler’s operation in Mazatlan, I decided to take a vacation in Mexico by traveling around in different states. I headed across to Mexico City and from there to a quintessential state of Oaxaca.

Oaxaca, Oaxaca is a colonial city located in southern Mexico. It is full of Eucalyptus trees, singing birds, and a huge Zocalo – plaza full of cafes. The city itself and the surrounding villages are full of Mayan Indians. This is where the Mayan trail begins.

I started my adventure by visiting a huge market by the bus depot. There I saw all kinds of hand knit rugs and sweaters, pottery, and chirping birds in small wooden cages. I inquired where the rugs are made and was given the name of the village near by.  When I asked where is a gold shop here, so I can sell some dollars, one merchant told me there is gold in the near by mountains and that I should go to Rozarita village to buy it cheap.

I rented a Volkswagen Beetle and went to Pueblo Tera Pedro to buy a bunch of hand made rugs. After getting a few rugs and hand made sweaters I came back to the Zocalo for afternoon coffee and a siesta.  After enjoying coffee in an outdoor café and watching birds with rainbow feathers fly in and out of the trees, I turned in for the day at my hotel.

The next day I got up early on my voyage to Rozarita. I was going to get rich! After getting gas and asking for directions I took my Volkswagen Beetle into the sprawling mountains of Oaxaca. The road at first was paved but after getting closer to the mountains it turned into gravel and later into dirt. The Beatle did not have much trouble navigating the dirt road. It purred like a cat navigating the curving road slowly in first and second gears. I arrived at Rozarita and headed to Bodega – a store, to conduct my gold transaction.

The jefe – owner of Bodega greeted me with a smile. I asked him, “Do you have any gold?”  With a grinning smile he replied, “I have not seen gold here in ages! You should go to San Pedro. There, when the John Paul the Second came the residents gave him a bar of gold.” And as a proud Christian he took out a picture and showed me the Papal with his parishioners. I enquired to the directions to San Pedro and went on my way.

After driving for about 10 kilometers I heard a thump. It was one of my rear tires that blew. I changed the tire and after half an hour was on my way. The mountain road was getting really bad. There were stones strewn all over the places and at times really huge boulders that were hard to navigate. After about a half an hour, I heard another thump. This time it was my front tire. I had no more spares, so I had to decide, do I walk the rest of the way or do I turn back?

The gold in front of me guided my decision! I dumped the car in the middle of the mountain and started to walk. It was getting late and the road seemed to disappear in the evening dim. My adrenaline was pumping and I saw nothing but gold in front of me. After a while, a half moon guided the path and the chirping fireflies served as a beacon. After a few hours, I was really exhausted and upon seeing lights in the woods I veered off the path into the woods. It must have been two a.m. but I was galvanized like an eagle and knocked on the stranger’s house door. El Pancho – a gentlemen came out with his shotgun cocked. “Que Paso Hombre. Esta Tarde? - It is late, what is going on?” he said. I replied, “Soy perdido! – I am lost.” I explained that my car broke down and I was tired and hungry. He gave me some beef jerky and let me sleep in his straw shed.

Next day, feeling rested I got up and continued on my way to San Pedro. I walked hard sweating like a pig. The road seemed to have no end. I decided to take a shortcut and go through the valley. On a mountain slope I found an old Indian woman who lived in a straw thatched tent. I asked her for some food, but she said she has none. I saw her eating some pumpkin seeds, so I beckoned her for some. She shared them with me. I did not want to overstay my welcome, so I left after a few minutes. I found it sad that an old lady at the end of her life was abandoned on a side of a mountain to die. After half an hour walk, I was at San Pedro.

At San Pedro I started asking about gold. A few locals told me there is no gold. They have not seen gold in ages. When I referred to the Papal visit they all said, “We use to have gold, but no more!” Finally I met someone who recommended I go to Scala de Oro – Mountain of Gold. It was a small village down the mountain slope, through the cactus shrub. After a 3 hours walk I was there.

Again it was evening, the place looked desolated in the dim. There was nothing there but a few aluminum sheds. I asked the owner of one of the sheds if I could spend a night with him and if he could help me find gold. He said, “Stay with me tonight and tomorrow we would go find your gold!”  His Senora was really nice and brought me some food. It was cactus soup, which tasted so bad, but I was starving and could have eaten wood. The night was freezing with the wind blowing off the side of the mountain. I could hardly sleep.

The next day we woke up, and he took me to a neighbor’s shed. There was some gold. They brought out an ounce of gold. I said, “That is it?” They said, “This is all we have. It took us two years to mine it.” I enquired about the price. It turned out that they were selling it more expensive than in town. I said to them, “How is it possible that you are selling it more expensive than the market price?” They replied, “Because this is where we find it!” The logic did not make sense, but I was not going to argue with a bunch of Mexican Indians on a bare mountain. I thanked them and said goodbye.

I walked for a while and crossed a small river. I was really starving and tired. I met a man with a mule, and I asked him if he could give me a ride to San Pedro. I offered to pay him. He asked me what I was doing here. I explained to him that I was looking for gold but found none. Well, I said to him that some Mexicans offered me a bit of gold, but that it is more expensive than the market price. He said that is how they are. They are not interested in selling their gold. First, he said that I am too heavy for his mule, but after a bit of talking he agreed to give me a ride. He did not want any money for it.

As I was riding on the mule he continued talking while leading the beast. He said there is gold here. When he was young he saw it as he dived in the small river. But it is really deep down and it is a big pillar. He said that I would need special equipment to get it out. I agreed to pay for the equipment if he would show me the place. He said, “You are young and you do not need the gold, and I am old and I do not want it anymore!”  I was not happy with the answer but I understood what he meant.

Back at San Pedro I was able to find a trees hauling truck that gave me a ride back to Oaxaca. As we passed my car we hooked it up with a chain and towed it up top the asphalt road. I dropped the car there and continued to town with the truck driver. I arrived at the car rental place and explained to them what happened to the car. They went to pick up the car and asked me to pay them lots of money to fix it. Luckily I gave them my debit card as insurance. I had no credit card. At the end, I bargained the repairs down to 100 dollars. I came back to the hotel tired like crazy.

At the hotel I met a beautiful Senorita. She had black hair and green eyes. I was very dirty and smelled bad. I asked her if she wanted to go dancing with me tonight. She said yes! I took a shower and we went to a disco. After a few drink we started kissing. We were both very hot and horny. We went outside, and I placed her on the wall of the disco and started making crazy love to her.

I did not find my gold in Oaxaca, but I found a beautiful Senorita!

Since I was a little kid, after watching a Bruce Lee movie, I always wanted to visit the Shaolin Temple in China. Well this last trip to china I got my wish. The Shaolin Temple is located not far from Luoyang in China. It is a magnificent place with lots of feelings and references to the birth of Kung Fu.

The Shaolin monks studied the art for mediation. They mimicked the 5 animals behavior which are tiger, panther, snake, crane, dragon to make up the style. Visiting Shaolin temple you will not see the monks practicing the real Shaolin style, but if you know what to look for you will find its roots. There are many Kung Fu schools around the Monastery, so you will get to see kids practice the modern style of Shaolin. You can also enjoy a Kung Fu show at one of the schools next to the temple grounds.

One word of advice, if you want to learn the real Kung Fu, search for Chi Gun!

Shaolin Temple

While traveling in China I visited the Longman caves in Luoyang. I grabbed a taxi in the city and we went over to the caves, which are located about 40 kilometers away. While in the taxi I felt a bit queasy, but I did not pay it much attention. I attributed it to being tired or motion sickness, although the driver was not swarming all over the place.

When I arrived at the cave complex, all of the sudden, I felt hungry. I ate a few pork buns before I left town, but I guess it was not enough. I went into one of the small restraints and had me some fried noodles. I felt a bit better, but I was still feeling kind of weak.

To avoid walking a lot, I took an electric car from the gate to the caves. The caves are situated on a riverbank, and the air was a bit cool and misty. I arrived at the first cave and started looking at the Buddha statues. I was thinking how similar they are to the Ajunta cave complex in India, which I visited many years back. All of the sudden it hit me!

I was on the second floor of one of the caves. I ran like crazy to the metal railing, and I threw up all my noodles, vomiting like a fire breathing dragon. I must have sprayed many people bellow with my puke. I felt dizzy; I could not walk, and just collapsed on the floor. As I was laying down on the cold floor, the Buddha statue was in front of me. It made me feel comfortable looking at it, but I could not move my limbs. My head was spinning, and the Chinese people passing by were just smirking at me.

I laid down for about ten minutes, then attempted to resume walking through the caves. I walked to the next cave; vomiting a bit on the floor, I ran to the railing and puked my guts out. There was hardly any food left to come out; it was mostly liquid. The Buddha statues were serine and ominous at the same time. I laid down on the floor and attempted to regain my composure. After a short break, I ventured to walk to the next cave enclave, but it was a futile endeavor.

I finally made it to the riverbank – the first floor of the caves, and I felt my internals ready to explode. My stomach felt like there was a knife cutting it. I saw a bathroom and ran into it. There was no western toilet but a squatting toilet. As soon as I opened my pants I squirted diarrhea, and I started throwing up again. I was puking green and shitting brown liquid at the same time. I thought I was going to die, as my whole body was on fire convoluting and shaking.

I had a serious case of food poisoning, which I probably picked up in Beijing a few days earlier. I drank some Chinese Baidju whiskey, which made me feel like I had a hole in my stomach. I guess, whatever food I ate afterwards did not digest properly. I must have spent 20 minutes in the bathroom dripping excrement and throwing up violently at the same time.

I finally stabilized myself, but the bathroom was a mess; a tornado of shit and puke hit it at the same time! I walked out to the riverbank and laid down on the cold asphalt by the river railing. As I laid on the ground, Chinese tourist walking by smirked and laughed at me. I became oblivious of them and stretched my palms outward to the sky. It was a sort of meditation that I was doing. All of the sudden, my body shivered and I felt a strange soothing sensation permeate through me, as if the Buddha spirit came down from the mountain and entered my body. It was a nirvana! I was cured! The dizziness and the nausea stopped, and I felt relaxed lying there at peace.

Did I die and The Great Buddha came down from the heavens to collect my soul? I laid down there with my new found tranquility for about 30 minutes. Finally, I slowly gut up and walked towards the exit of the complex. As I was approaching the exit gate, authorities stopped me. They wanted to detain me, fearing that I was infected with a contagious virus.

I was expecting a biohazard hazmat suit dudes to descend from helicopters and to quarantine the area. Luckily for me, there were some American exchange students. I explained to them that I just had bad food for lunch. They told the Chinese that I am ok. I was allowed to leave.

The Chinese, with their convoluted logic, let me spend 4 hours on my back vomiting all other the place; once I was leaving, they decided there was a problem. There were guards all other the place, and not once during my ordeal did one of them come to my help,

I think enlightenment is always found in hardship, or in my case in Shit!

Longman Buddha Caves